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On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
#MarriedPeopleIssues
You hang up..
No, you hang up…
You hang up….
Noooo, you hang up. They’re your clothes. I’m not your maid.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.