My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
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[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
“I can’t wait to nail you later”
*whispers to the new picture I just bought*
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
My plans for world domination will have to be put on hold while I try to open this package of batteries.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8