@LeviathanPride

Hurricanes, famine, disease, war crimes, child molestation, political corruption. And Jesus appears to mankind on a slice of toast.

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@EffiMai

When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.

@thatdutchperson

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

@BunAndLeggings

Me: I’m totally getting used to this

Husband: getting used to what?

Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff

Husband: again getting used to what?

[Silence]

Me: I hate you

@Sassafrantz

Him: She’s always doing magic tricks
Therapist: Is that true?
Me: Check your pocket.
[he pulls out a piece of paper with ‘NO’ written on it]

@

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@copymama

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

@squirrel74wkgn

[at hotel]

Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer

[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]

Me: Yep, nailed her

@ULTRAGLOSS

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

@OusaMedousa

No sports, day 4:

We’re adjusting to dad being part of the family. The kids even remembered to set a place at the table for him. We learned he likes ketchup on his meatloaf.