@TwinSurvivalist

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

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@HorryPuttor

deer diary:

day 67 at hugwerts skool uv wezirdry nd none uv teh studints hav noticd dat my wahnd is an slim jim.

@jamdugg

Totes McGoats is short for Totally McGoatally

@Browtweaten

Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils

Me: *pours*

Wife: And now lye

Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets

Wife: What

Me: What

@daddydoubts

My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.

@OllyiConic

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

@ShortSleeveSuit

SERGEANT [on the radio]: mayday mayday we’ve located an enemy hotspot

ME [bullets dinging my helmet]: oooh get the password Sarge

@SusanRinell

Speed-dating, but it’s just me going from table to table stealing fries from unsuspecting couples gazing longingly into each other’s eyes

@iGreenGod

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

@dance_blessed

I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.