@TwinSurvivalist

Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.

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@EndhooS

[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap

@daemonic3

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

@KyleMcDowell86

Im sorry I yelled “GARY LIKED STAR WARS EPISODE ONE” when the pastor asked if anyone knew of a reason why you and Gary shouldn’t be married

@QwertyJones3

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

@ch000ch

this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning

@Sarcasticsapien

Interviewer: Where were you born?
Me: Missouri.
I: What state are you in now?
M: Apathy.
I: That’s not what I meant.
M: I don’t care.

@xLiserx

My adult coloring book is filled with pictures of people paying bills, washing dishes, & tugging at their belly fat in front of the mirror.

@alexlumaga

Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted

Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks

@roxiqt

DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean

MY BRAIN: say you like swimming

MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job