paint by numbers implies the existence of paint by leviticus and paint by deuteronomy
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
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Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
If you can’t be with the one you love then be with the one who has the best cable package.
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Sometimes it just seems like I can’t tell if something is an inanimate object or a person
My therapist: Yes that’s quite clear