@ArfMeasures: ME: The kids have ruined their shoes WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out [Later] ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave

@OfficeofSteve: I don't know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them

@rockymomax: ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird* WIFE: did you actually read it? ME: yup WIFE: what happens ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre

@DebraMuffin: No thanks, cosmetics lady. I'm years past 'bare & natural'. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you'd need to prep & refinish a wall.

@BoogTweets: Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran