Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
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Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
January is lasting longer than my marriage
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
A scary book should be called a boOoOok.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza