Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
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If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today