@Mom_Overboard

Hurts So Good is my favorite song about eating a bowl of Cap’n Crunch.

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@dixie_dupree

Hell is full of ugly babies, tinkerbell tshirts and fat women debating the tastiness of frozen meals…..oh wait. This is just walmart

@FatherWithTwins

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

@Browtweaten

Friend: Why are you crying?

Me: I’m having trouble dealing with my mom’s passing

Mom: *chucks football* Learn to catch and you won’t get hit, nerd

@chuuew

A sequel to a time travel movie but it’s released before the first film

@markydoodoo

Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.

@JimMcCue

I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?

@EricaWhoToYou

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

@Reverend_Scott

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

@TheMichaelRock

We’d probably have a lot less crime if superheroes would stop making movies all the time.

@mister_blank

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!