Hurts So Good is my favorite song about eating a bowl of Cap’n Crunch.

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Hell is full of ugly babies, tinkerbell tshirts and fat women debating the tastiness of frozen meals…..oh wait. This is just walmart


My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.


Friend: Why are you crying?

Me: I’m having trouble dealing with my mom’s passing

Mom: *chucks football* Learn to catch and you won’t get hit, nerd


A sequel to a time travel movie but it’s released before the first film


Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.


I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?


[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*


Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.


We’d probably have a lot less crime if superheroes would stop making movies all the time.


[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?