*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
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Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
My Guy
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
when you don’t want to be too vague
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.