Hell is full of ugly babies, tinkerbell tshirts and fat women debating the tastiness of frozen meals…..oh wait. This is just walmart
Hurts So Good is my favorite song about eating a bowl of Cap’n Crunch.
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My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Friend: Why are you crying?
Me: I’m having trouble dealing with my mom’s passing
Mom: *chucks football* Learn to catch and you won’t get hit, nerd
A sequel to a time travel movie but it’s released before the first film
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
We’d probably have a lot less crime if superheroes would stop making movies all the time.
[at an umpire’s funeral]
me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?