HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
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I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
My kids had to work extra hard this morning but they were able to get the clean house back to it’s normal messy state just in time for the guests to arrive.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Art by Pastelkatto
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?