@TwinSurvivalist

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

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@perlhack

“Butter me up like one of your French Toast girls”

@TotallyAllen

My parents: If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump off too?

Me as a little kid wearing sunlasses: idk maybe who all is there

@sweetmomissa

Being a parent involves saying “this is NOT a democracy” a lot more than I thought it would

@Vodkantots

3: Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy?
Me: So I look less tired.
3: Why are you tired?
Me: Because I’m a mom.
3: Why are you a mom?
Me:
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@PrettyRicc

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

@reallifemommy3

If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly

@iliezabeth

[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*

@MissGinaDarling

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.