My favorite part about Harry Potter is the imaginary world it takes place in. I often wonder what England would be like if it was real.
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
911: Good luck
* Click *
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Hormel Foods made their first batch of spam in 1937
With all the food hoarding going on they are about to make their 2nd batch
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: I’m just gonna nap for an hour then
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Me: Top desk drawer.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Therapist: And what do we do when we feel like this?
Me: Summon an elder god to wreak havoc on our enemies!
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Dear Americans: It’s called snow. It’s cold and wet, but can’t hurt you from inside the house. It has no opposable thumbs. #AskCanada