@TwinSurvivalist

[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *

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@Home_Halfway

My favorite part about Harry Potter is the imaginary world it takes place in. I often wonder what England would be like if it was real.

@USMCSDI

Hormel Foods made their first batch of spam in 1937

With all the food hoarding going on they are about to make their 2nd batch

@DwayneDavidPaul

Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.

@david8hughes

Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: I’m just gonna nap for an hour then

@IamEveryDayPpl

Coworker: Do you have any snacks?

Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?

Coworker:

Me: Top desk drawer.

@vapidaccount

ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.

@SlothSlouch

Therapist: And what do we do when we feel like this?

Me: Summon an elder god to wreak havoc on our enemies!

Therapist: No.

@smilely_gal

7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.

@SalaciousSully

Dear Americans: It’s called snow. It’s cold and wet, but can’t hurt you from inside the house. It has no opposable thumbs. #AskCanada