Husband and I are both interested in doing 23 and Me to locate our real families. Neither of us was adopted, we just can’t believe we’re related to any of these people.

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It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.



Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy


When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!


I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”


“What should we name this fruit?”
“Let’s not let Todd name any more fruits.”


Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.


Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …


me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks

veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer