oh no, pressed the wrong button on the remote and accidentally summoned a demon again
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WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
once i got commissioned to review a film, and when i went to file my story I said “Here’s my review! Not a great movie tbh” and then forgot to paste in the Google Doc link, so the editor replied being like “oh… we’d still like an article?”
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe