*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
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In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
A Match(.com), but for socks.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
sorry but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. walking faster than me? also my enemy. now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm yeah I’m thinking enemy
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.