*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
You Might Also Like
❤️🦆
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
It’s the weekend y’all
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
I never feel greater anxiety than the anxiety I feel when I watch people leaving a Marvel movie during the credits.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”