I’d … I’d rather not.
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I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
Ok I just started watching House M.D.:
1 Does everyone gang up and beat House’s other leg?
2 does a rival Token come in to challenge Omar?
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.