Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
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*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?