@T_Bonezzz_
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
@AzureDoo
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
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@T_Bonezzz_
@Reverend_Scott
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
@Sorrowscopes
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
@ODeadInside
A chicken dinner sounds like a 5th place prize at the most.
@NolaChef504
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
@lujainahs
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
@meganamram
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
@abbycohenwl
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
@iGreenMonk
Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.
Me: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.
@kate_smithxx
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.