@AzureDoo

Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.

He cooked 2 sausages.

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@T_Bonezzz_

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

@Reverend_Scott

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

@Sorrowscopes

Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.

@NolaChef504

“You take pills because you’re crazy”

“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”

@meganamram

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

@abbycohenwl

Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT

@iGreenMonk

Wife: Let’s go out and have some fun tonight.

Me: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

@kate_smithxx

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.