[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you


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“Women don’t like me, idk why?”
“Maybe it’s because they sense you’re a psycho who will decapitate their cat?”
“No, that can’t be it.”


I’m like a potato because I’m:

-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter


Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*

Pet hermit crab: no wait go back

Announcer: welcome to house hunters


I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.


Imagine me in bed.



Wrong again.


Wrong AGAIN!

Soaking wet.

This leaky roof is gonna cost me a fortune to fix!


Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”

He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.


My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.


customer: have you worked here a long time

me, a waiter: 14 years sir

customer: wow ok what do you recommend

me: finishing college