@AbbieEvansXO

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

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@PaigeKellerman

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

@pro_worrier_

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

@Parentpains

In Canada, a drive by shooting is just a guy using finger guns while winking at a chick he has no chance with.

@stephenjmolloy

Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”

*later at the coral reef*

Me: “This is amazing!”

Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”

@Bizarro_Mark

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

@RidiculousSheri

Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.

@MartaEffing

I know you’ve been here. I can smell you, still taste you on my lips. I crave more, but it’s over now. Also, you’re a donut. And I ate you.

@JohnLyonTweets

No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.