[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
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DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
This a good idea
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.