Husband and wife near wishing well. Suddenly wife slips and fell in the well. Terrified husband: Noooooooooo…I can’t believe it’s working!

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Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.


Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?

Me: Yes of course I…oh no

Half sister: what


nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…


If “Bieber fever” is when a Bieber song comes on the radio & you start throwing up & stabbing yourself, then yes I had Bieber fever once.


They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night

In a fight a with a bouncer


STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.


If I survived a plane crash in the wilderness, my biggest concern would be how much my airport parking bill would be.


PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood


if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun


If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room