@notmythirdrodeo

Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

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@arcadeseals

gf: i took a pregnancy test

me: is it mine

gf: no, i bought it

@Love_bug1016

I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.

@LaLuchaNix

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

@jjhartinger

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

@jshbck

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

@DanMentos

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

@Mr_Kapowski

[ATM, with a line of people behind me]

Me: *turns around* Sorry, forgot my PIN. How does that song go? 867 and then what?

@OmarImranTweets

“Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop”

Ok hold up *pulls out iphone*

“Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop”

ISIS:”ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?”

@prodigis

*to commander*
Don’t say anything too loud sir I suspect one of our men may be a plant
*conspicuous tree in admiral uniform starts to sweat*

@English_Channel

genie: long time no see, ok, you have one wish left

Geppetto: I want a real boy

genie:??? what happened to the other 2 you wished for?