Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?

Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.

Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.

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gf: i took a pregnancy test

me: is it mine

gf: no, i bought it


I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.


I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.


Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.


I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there


recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is


[ATM, with a line of people behind me]

Me: *turns around* Sorry, forgot my PIN. How does that song go? 867 and then what?


“Y dnt u Muslims tell ISIS to stop”

Ok hold up *pulls out iphone*

“Yo ISIS habibi,its me plz stop”

ISIS:”ok habibi sorry,shisha tonight?”


*to commander*
Don’t say anything too loud sir I suspect one of our men may be a plant
*conspicuous tree in admiral uniform starts to sweat*


genie: long time no see, ok, you have one wish left

Geppetto: I want a real boy

genie:??? what happened to the other 2 you wished for?