ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
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Dad Rabbit: Who is this
Daughter Rabbit: My BF
Emo BF Rabbit: gotta go babe, My band Bad Hare Cut has practice *flips ears away from eyes
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Oh LinkedIn, what juicy tidbits do you have for me today? *raises monocle* Stanley added a skill?! HAHA! That is most delightful! *sips tea*
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
A fun thing to do is to tell a complete stranger that you met your boyfriend on Twitter and then show them a cat.