(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
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My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
“Are you sexually active?”
No
“Any drug use?”
No
*doctor laughs, does the jerk off motion and leaves*
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved