Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
You Might Also Like
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Referring to another employee as a “gingeraffe”will land you in sensitivity training…no matter how tall and redheaded they are.
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ??????
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Don’t kill yourself over a boy, he’ll bring another girl to your funeral.
I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said “yes” and I’m completely lost, I’ve never played the game like this before.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.