@OMGSoOverIt

(Husband asks to see my phone)

Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.

@tracietom

8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?

Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts

8: Can we buy some after he dies?

Me: Sure

@DaHess1

Referring to another employee as a “gingeraffe”will land you in sensitivity training…no matter how tall and redheaded they are.

@jonnysun

[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: ??????

@stockejock

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

@efasheefaa

Don’t kill yourself over a boy, he’ll bring another girl to your funeral.

@WeissBrandon

I asked my wife if anything was wrong and she said “yes” and I’m completely lost, I’ve never played the game like this before.

@markydoodoo

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

@robdelaney

“Bartender, see that brunette at the end of the bar? I’d like you to bring her a slice of your finest ham.”

@mommajessiec

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.