@PhilJamesson

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

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@climaxximus

wife: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i’m a chameleon

wife: no you’re not

me: I can change I swear

@karlainvt

Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next

@Coolisiana

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

@HoneyWooWoo

*at party*

Guy: Want to dance?

Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.

@DrakeGatsby

Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection

@theriouthly

[first day as magician]

Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning

@randypaint

hey remember when shrek used his giant green hands to take the helmet off of his giant green head and fiona was shocked he turned out to be an ogre

@Smethanie

Dermatologist asked why I want my tattoo removed and looked at me like no one’s ever said “because it’s my ex’s Twitter handle” before.