@PhilJamesson

Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?

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@ThaJawn

(gym)

Me:
*tries to lift dumbbell
*drops it

Trainer: COME ON! IT’S NOT THAT HEAVY!

Me: I know, it’s just this KFC grease making it slip

@kelly_eberle

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

@MissMalbec

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

@wilco30

”Your call is important to us……please enjoy this 40 minute long flute solo”

@djdarrellripley

Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.

Me: Yes, but do go on…

@Book_Krazy

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

@AshToTheFuture

Earlier today I thought I needed a divorce but it turns out I was just hungry.

@jwoodham

Sorry I didn’t text you back, but my body is like 70% water and I really didn’t want to mess up my phone.

@skedaddle74

Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.

@captainkalvis

date: [walking out of the theater after seeing happy feet] that was so cute

me: [has a foot fetish] it was fine