Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
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I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
[breakfast table]
Me: Who killed the entire box of Lucky Charms?
8: Not me
9: Not me
CEREAL KILLER: Not me either
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.