Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
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I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
One of the perks of being self employed is sex with the boss.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
🤣🤣💀
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
bro what is going on at twitter
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
Are these grass-fed oranges?