@mommajessiec

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

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@T_Bonezzz_

“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”

*Buys everyone snacks

@joeljeffrey

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

@panmidwest

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

@sexncake

I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.

@numbertze

I eat my pizza with a knife and fork because I am from a big family, and you need weapons to protect your food at all times

@Pandamoanimum

7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.

@lecalabara

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

@squirrel74wkgn

It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”