Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
You Might Also Like
[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
*sees a hot girl on the train*
“ay gurl check this out”
*i try to seductively eat a banana but i miss my mouth & smush it into my forehead*
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”