*i get chased into a dark alley*
*two men walk up to me holding a knife*
“If you join our insurance you can save up to-”
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
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Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
One time I intentionally asked a thin woman “when she was due” because I was bored. So yeah, I guess you could say I’m into extreme sports.
Spider 911: Hello
Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily
Spider 911: That’s not an emer-
Spider: We decided to play Twister
Spider 911: Oh no
Spider: *crying* Help us
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.