@mommajessiec

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

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@Epygma

*i get chased into a dark alley*
Please no
*two men walk up to me holding a knife*
“If you join our insurance you can save up to-”
NOOOOOOO

@Mindless4Miles

Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.

@dafloydsta

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

@Beerhaze

Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!

@bobvulfov

WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly

@shkeeber

One time I intentionally asked a thin woman “when she was due” because I was bored. So yeah, I guess you could say I’m into extreme sports.

@Browtweaten

Spider 911: Hello

Spider: My friends and I were drinking heavily

Spider 911: That’s not an emer-

Spider: We decided to play Twister

Spider 911: Oh no

Spider: *crying* Help us

@Kyle_Raney

Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich

Me: You too!

Subway Guy:

Me:

Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now

@XplodingUnicorn

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.