It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
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me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
I’m not proud
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
9 Year Old: Where do babies come from?
Me: (pause) Europe.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.