*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
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Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you