When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
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This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
I gave up going to work for lent.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps