Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
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I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice