Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
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Let’s play a game.
What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.
A: A teddy bear
B: A blanket
C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.