HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
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wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
I have so many questions.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
My soulmate is probably someone else who doesn’t really talk to anyone either so that could be an issue
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.