Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
You Might Also Like
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s