Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
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[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
what’s more important?
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom