*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
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[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Confused owl: What?!
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
My friend is looking for a single, normal, well adjusted man. I told her to avoid twitter.
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.