Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
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In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Me: Why don’t I have a boyfriend?
God: I sent you one, you dumped him for putting ketchup on his steak.
Me: Ah. That’s right. Gross.
“How do you find anything in here?!”
-my mugger, giving my purse back
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
August 8
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.