My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
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I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”