Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
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[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.