Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
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My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
This week’s mood.
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?