@mommajessiec

Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.

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@TheOneTrueDisco

You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!

*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*

@BradBroaddus

Grandpa: “My joints are stiff.”

Me: “Don’t roll them so tight.”

@lisasopinions

My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.

@RealLucasNeff

Billionaire: I’d like to do something about crime.
Butler: Being poor, I’ve got some great ideas–
Billionaire: I want to dress as a bat.

@missokistic

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

@RidiculousSheri

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

@ravenswng_

I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.

@doktorj

*lies down on waxing table

Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.

@Michael1979

If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for: