You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
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Grandpa: “My joints are stiff.”
Me: “Don’t roll them so tight.”
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Billionaire: I’d like to do something about crime.
Butler: Being poor, I’ve got some great ideas–
Billionaire: I want to dress as a bat.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for: