Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
You Might Also Like
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
There’s a lot of mountains high enough to keep me away from you. You see that Everest mountain? Ain’t no way I’m climbing that for you.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
My child: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: “That’s impossible, they’re all running for president right now.”
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.