HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
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I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
[1st date]
You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
So I’m in Italy… went into a supermarket, I bought and drank almost half of this bottle thinking its water only for the cashier to tell me that I shouldn’t drink so much because it’s a laxative 🥲
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?