HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
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Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
*sewing*
A thread
☠️☠️☠️
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Flowers bee like