Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
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CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Why hasn’t anyone stopped him?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now