Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
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Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
5 years ago today I asked a beautiful girl out on a date. Today at 3pm I asked that girl to marry me. She said no both times.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
If you own a karate dojo and you don’t make your employees answer the phone “Hiiiiiiiiya”
You’re doing it wrong
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer