husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
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[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so