@cariastark

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

Husband enters vasectomy room

Nurse: You sure about this?

*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*

N: The dr. will be right in

- @cariastark

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Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.

Me: what should I say instead of bull-

Wife: shhh say snake instead.

Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.

@knot_eye

‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.

@IamEnidColeslaw

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

@Deirdreocx

[First date]

“So, do you have any pets?”

Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.

“You have an albino crow?”

He prefers the term cawcasian.

@awescar

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

@AndyAsAdjective

KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?

BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…

@MunkMania

3: Who’s that on your shirt?

Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.

3: I don’t like him.

Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

@aissalanis

Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.

Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.

Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.

@Smooheed

*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*