Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.

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[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell


[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*


Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no


[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.


Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?


So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.


90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.


boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles



-My reply to my husband whenever he tells me he’s gonna “repair that”.


Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.