@SNStone

Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.

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@internetluke

[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell

@andlikelaura

[being chased by a murderer]

Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!

Murderer: *stabs me*

@rebrafsim

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

@dorsalstream

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

@5hael

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?

@erichwithach

So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.

@Scimommy

90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.

@Shen_the_Bird

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

@amazymay72x

LIES! STOP THE LIES!

-My reply to my husband whenever he tells me he’s gonna “repair that”.

@Trisarahjtops

Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.