@SNStone

Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.

Husband for sale: 1972 model, white in colour, a bit hard on gas but comes with a spare tire.

- @SNStone

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@joshwillhall

My boyfriend: *leaves the room*

The fbi agent in my webcam: No I totally see what you mean.

Me: right? He’s weird today. How’s your husband?

FBI agent: he wants us to open our marriage

Me: that’s rough janet.

@rockymomax

PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys

@E_lok44

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

@Tiny_Rickshaw

wife: i’ve sent the kids to the sitter

me: cool

wife: *taking clothes off* you know what that means?

me: yeah, someone who looks after our children for money

@Mikestanley1

[pulls up after first date]

Me: well, this is my place

Her: a bouncy house?

Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY “YOUR MAJESTY.”

@conner_omalley

under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”

@shariv67

I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.

@djdarrellripley

Me: I need sex, and I need it now…

Her: I understand. You want to be alone.