Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
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In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?