INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
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Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I got a dig bick.
You that read wrong.
That awkward when you read that wrong too.
And said ‘moment’ after awkward.
This is awkward.
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that