*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
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STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
you will never know the true number of layers
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.