@AimeeHelene1

*Husband forgets to close screen on door*

*4 hrs later*

Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*

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@fro_vo

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

@stayathomies

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

@iGreenMonk

I got a dig bick.

You that read wrong.

That awkward when you read that wrong too.

And said ‘moment’ after awkward.

This is awkward.

@subtweetopath

HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.

ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end

HER: wtf?

@junejuly12

*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*

*wakes up in Emergency*

@elle91

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

@pixelatedboat

Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene

@DanMentos

*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats

@rockymomax

DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that