Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
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the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
genie: please no
millipede: more legs
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”
But we’re in love!
“It is forbidden!”
*whale elopes with submarine*
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”