Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
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“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Cop: Painted blue?
Cop: With nails glued on?
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
A cop was outside my house talking to some people and my first thought was “yesss” because I’m nosey.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)