Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
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Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Giving me a Milkbone after sex does not make it doggy style
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
True.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
This a good idea
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.