*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
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HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?