Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

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Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs


Just realised someone was flirting with me, 7 years ago.


Yelling “PARKOUR” whenever your toddler falls over is an easy way to make him look like a cool free runner rather than a clumsy little idiot


what if u had to have sex every day during pregnancy to keep building the baby


Got so wasted last night, had to take a train home. And now I can’t figure out how to return it.


My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.


When the sperm and the egg really love each other, they get a womb.


*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet


cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good