@mom_ontherocks

Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?

Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches

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@donsengstack

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

@AdamMoad

Just realised someone was flirting with me, 7 years ago.

@EndhooS

Yelling “PARKOUR” whenever your toddler falls over is an easy way to make him look like a cool free runner rather than a clumsy little idiot

@jazz_inmypants

what if u had to have sex every day during pregnancy to keep building the baby

@shariv67

Got so wasted last night, had to take a train home. And now I can’t figure out how to return it.

@FatherWithTwins

My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.

@CryMeAG1ver

When the sperm and the egg really love each other, they get a womb.

@theshantilly

*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet

@PleaseBeGneiss

cat: i brought you this dead mouse

me: no thanks

cat: then please accept this barf

me: i will not

cat: am i displeasing you?

me: absolutely

cat: [eyes narrow] good