Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
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Just realised someone was flirting with me, 7 years ago.
Yelling “PARKOUR” whenever your toddler falls over is an easy way to make him look like a cool free runner rather than a clumsy little idiot
what if u had to have sex every day during pregnancy to keep building the baby
Got so wasted last night, had to take a train home. And now I can’t figure out how to return it.
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
When the sperm and the egg really love each other, they get a womb.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
cat: [eyes narrow] good