[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
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I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.