He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
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Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Well, my evening plans are ruined
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.