@Divergentmama

Husband: how come we don’t ever eat anything fancy anymore, like before we had kids?

Me: that’s not true

Husband: oh yeah, what’s for dinner tonight?

Me: (whispers) ˢˡᵒᵖᵖʸ ʲᵒˢᵉᵖʰˢ

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@evanR39

Me: hey dad, what did you do before the internet?
Dad: you have thirteen bros n sisters, do the math son.

@_davidlucas_

Daddy! Tell me a story..

The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.

Good night.

@DanMentos

[guy in charge of naming superheroes]
Superman, next
Batman, next
Wonder Woman, next
Aquaman, next
*takes a hit of acid*
Green Lantern

@YeahDrewisOn

Sure he’s handsome, funny, smart, charming and successful, but can he fit 54 M&M’s in his mouth at once?

I didn’ fink fo

@Robert_Beau

Sunday Family Dinner:

Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?

Me: Isn’t that your third husband?

MIL:

M:

MIL:

M: Gravy?

@TheToddWilliams

[dinner]

WIFE: This risotto is rich

ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”

WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?

ME: …

WIFE: …

ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’

@gigglegirlnoel

If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.

@brunopieroni

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

@mccanncreates

Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*

@DanMentos

[commercial]

“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”

narrator: Narrators