Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
You Might Also Like
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
If you breakdance you buy dance.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Jupiter
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?
[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
thinking about a very short hotdog
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.